do what i can

i'm going to jamaica one more time for now.
i booked my tickets and i have a couple friends that i hope will be able to make it, too. it would be fabulous. i had to make some calls to jamaica yesterday to confirm lodging and transportation...aunt sunshine's house and my jamaicapoppa, mr jones.

it's pretty exciting. and i'm excited that it's a visit..that i don't feel a pull to live there anymore. it will be good. and i really can't imagine what those 9 days will be like, i'm really curious to see how it turns out. i am beyond excited to see all the kids from the little church group i used to help with...

everyone's telling me "matthew's lookin well" I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE HIM AGAIN. and unfortunately, he hasn't gone to his adoptive parents yet, but fortunately, his house mom really loves him and takes really good care of him and so...if he's still there when i get there, it will be very cool. i just realized i/we will be there for his eight month birthday. pretty fabulous. it's soso great that i held him as he was dying and now he's getting to be this chubby lil man.

so maybe i can't go on road trips here or shop very much and etc, but this is more than worth it to me and i'm super thankful for my family supporting me and letting me come and go like i do.

lovely summer night.

i know i keep saying i'll update my posts with pictures, but really, i will...
i stayed so long after nanny time today that i'm just sleeping in the guest room like i usually do on weekends or when i'm working three days in a row here, and getting up extra early to drive to my own town for my other job in the morning.

i smell like bonfire
my belly is full of stuffed bell peppers and resse's puffs cereal
oh what a day...

matthew is looking pretty healthy

thank God people have sent me updated photos of him because all last week i kept having flash memories of him in the hospital bed, before surgery looking like a skeleton with skin, after surgery...don't even want to say it..
anyways.
for those of you who keep up with my life via this thing, here's the handsome little man at just about 6 months old!

now that jamaica is done

so...for SO long it was so clear to me that i wanted and needed to go to jamaica and stay for a while. now that i've done that and am content with how long i stayed there, i don't know so clearly what i'm all about any more. before i went to jamaica for a longer trip, i had a dream and a goal...now, i feel like i'm missing something. and i am-i'm missing that big dream and that big goal. now, i have stories and pictures, memories and a huge sense of accomplishment...but what is my new 'jamaica'?

one of my favorite songs right now is called "a different tune" by emery clark.
some of the lyrics are:
you're dancing to a different tune, yes you are.
all the people in the town will know, there's a boy who walks a different road.
this tune will set your life apart when it makes room for your heart.
don't forget about your different song, honor it with all your life.
teach them all a different sway, transform their mourning into life.
[and all the rest are really good, too. but i can't remember them all right now.]

finally a "legit" reason...

...to stay up so late.
not only did i get to catch up with a handful of old friends [from joshua] that i haven't seen or talked to in a LONG time, and it was SO good to just be around them for a few hours, but when i got home, i got a random phone call from one of my best friends from high school. i saw him at the mall a couple weeks ago when i went on a whim just because [i usually don't go to the mall here], so we exchanged numbers and said we'd hang out and catch up on life, but i thought it would be how it is with so many other people and that we wouldn't really ever get around to it.
anyways.
it was so so good to catch up with this guy. he has come so far and improved so much...it's amazing to see. i remember praying for him so much when we were younger. i'm so proud of him. anyways. i was surprised that we have the kind of friendship that can go for so long with absolutely nothing and then pick up again like we never lost contact.
i really needed these things to happen today. i'm so thankful.

haha i think i sound so cheesy! but if you know me, then you know i just talk from my heart and i have a big one that is full of love and i love people and hearing life stories.

oh. the kicker is that we went to safeway to buy beef at 1AM. i think a commercial came on tv or something...no...we were talking about cooking shows and "jon & kate plus 8" and it made shawn want to barbeque. didn't cook it or eat it though. maybe tomorrow. i also bought "hint of lime" chips and greens and lots of organic berries.
i've been craving them all week.

it's been...YEARS...since having real conversations with so many people i saw today and we had such good conversations. two weekends in a row of good old friends. it's been good.

wow i believe i'm sounding a little redundant. i need to go to sleep. music videos are calling my name, but i will resist...ha.

still can't believe she's gone.

Shantara died a couple weeks ago in her sleep. Her body was frail, she had the flu.
She was so joyful and had people at the Home who really loved her and invested in her, so that's comforting. It's just weird that she's gone...she was there ever since my first trip to the Home in 2005. I know how hard it is for them right now but I hope they just remember how happy she was.

hush

if i'm not sad i don't have much to say.

i like that, and i like that.