i am a changed woman...

in jamaica, i started eating pepper sauce on my lunches and dinners.
and it is very hot.
like two or three drops on one bite would make your head fall off...

today, i had jalapenos on my sandwich.
[of course, my nose started running and i even started sweating just a little bit and my mouth is still on fire, but it was good!]

what has happened to me?!

soon, i'd like to add some pictures to this post of my day today.
joseph and i had a funny face making extravaganza and riley ate handfuls of ketchup and mustard instead of her hot dog...she also seemed to think it would be nice if applied to her face and arms as a moisturizer. and, she insisted i wear a bright orange child sized home depot hard hat.

while they were napping...and while i was still awake myself, i finally read some more of a wrinkle in time. and i forget what else i was going to say.

"come close, listen to the story..." -phil wickham

earplugs help, but the story is still the same. no matthew=no sleep tonight.



with my head in my hands

now i really know what it's like for tears to burn my eyes

i cry

pictures of matthew on the computer screen

...and don't even get me started on the memories...

but this cry is only a whimper, i can barely cry because my heart is weirded out by all of this...because the pain is deep, i think, and coming from such a different place inside...this kind of pain is foreign to me...it lies beneath the surface but it's not really hidden from anyone.

my baby is gone. my baby is not mine any more. i'll probably never see him again. i don't get to finish raising him. no matter how grateful i am that i was chosen [by God, by people onsite in jamaica...] to help save his life...my. baby. is. gone. my baby is not mine any more.

that's just not supposed to happen...it's not natural...[ok i could go into a tangent about adoptions and how i'm for them, but i'll leave that one alone]

and i know cynical people could say, "look he wasn't even really yours" or "you were only with him for a couple months" or "he's not dead"

however: he was mine indeed. it's unnatural to see/be with/hold a baby even close to death. so i'm thankful he didn't die of course, but it's still unpleasant that he experienced any pain and time in the hospital. in those 2+ months with matthew, we bonded. that was the point. it was to save his life. and i'm not complaining.

i get mad and frustrated when other people [americans or non robins nest jamaicans] like him or say things like "i want that baby" because i'm like "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM! YOU weren't at the hospital with him for all that crap, and you didn't ...just...UGH!!!"

and I HATE THAT I THINK THAT WAY! it is so prideful and rude and selfish of me! my insides are so UGLY. [plus, of course people would say those things. he's so adorable!]

of course i'm so so glad for him that he's being adopted. he's actually supposed to go to the couple [jamaicans] by the end of april...

but if they weren't supposed to be taking him already, i would do whatever it took to adopt him. of course all along i felt the most strong about that whenever it was late at night or when i was super exhausted and in love with this child...

how am i supposed to tear my heart away from him?

my eyes are burning again.

i'm feeling sick with tiredness and you've-been-on-the-computer-too-log-ness. [i was looking at photos from jamaica that a team from south dakota posted]

all i can muster up are two fat salty tears...my heart feels like a rock.









despite all of this, i love my life, where i am, where i'm going...

but...my baby. does anyone understand?

"just get over it"...ehh doesn't really work. sorry if that pisses anyone off.

and i said shit earlier. really, "crap" would've sounded better in its place but i really wanted to try to make it more harsh...ehh...i don't REALLY like bad words so i'll go fix it...

...as i began to cry with my head in my hands with tears burning my eyes before i started typing this, i was listening to "true love" by phil wickham [from his record 'cannons']. and that's ultimately what matters. it's just crazy. it offers a small bit of perspective...it's beauty and peace..."come close, listen to the story of a love more faithful than the morning...when blood and water hit the ground...search your heart you know you can't deny it. lose your life just so you can find it. the Father gave his only Son just so he could save us. the earth was shaking in the dark..."

the video of that song and the pictures of matthew that i was crying over are all on myspace. it's the last stuff i wanted to see before trying to go to sleep.

my hands are cold...

the oreos are calling my name from the pantry.
but i know my body really doesn't want that...

joseph and riley are going to wake up from their naps annnny minute now.
it's so great taking care of them a few times a week.
[pictures...maybe videos coming soon]

haven't been biting my nails, so typing feels weird...

it's cold and windy here. i miss jamaica. i've been told some people who were just there took a picture of baby matthew for me. i'm looking forward to seeing it...

my sisters and i are going to try to sell some of our clothes this summer.

madeline's birthday yesterday was fun...angela and i surprised her at school [thanks to her friend brittany for getting her out long enough for us to decorate!] and spent some time walking around campus and hanging out in her apartment eating delicious snacks [uhh...cake, cupcakes, water, muddy buddies aka puppy chow you know what i mean?, german black licorice candies...] and watching jamaican music videos on youtube [so fabulous]...and we drove home in time to see the american idol results show.

i haven't cooked much lately. miss that. but mom's been cooking amazing meals, so that's why and i can't and wont complain!

I STILL HAVEN'T VISITED HUME YET! grr...

the only friends i've seen since returning from jamaica, not including relatives, are travis oberg, david kalani matsumura, and jenny middlewithane hugo. and that was for only a tiny amount of time on a sunday morning at church in santa cruz. it was so nice, but i want timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmme with friends. man. you know?

so many people i know are all of a sudden married or are getting married. wow! that's just crazy. i didn't realize i was THAT out of the loop when i was in jamaica. it's great though.

oh. here is something like what i posted on myspace recently, and i didn't get around to putting it here:
"no sleep, no matthew" posted at nine minutes to one am on whatever day that was...
i've been finding myself unable to sleep through the night for the past two weeks. it is so weird. if i stay up past 9 or 930, which has become always, i have trouble.

last night, i think it's because i drank yerba mate and two cups of coffee after 4 or 5pm. some nights, i think it's because i have too many blankets. [before jamaica, i'd just use my down comforter, and in jamaica, i had a sheet and a small quilt. now i have a sheet, two blankets and a comfoter, but it's not my down one that i like so much because it's packed in my old room.]

most nights, and i'm sure what's the real reason for this ridiculousness, i know it's because there's no matthew in my arm/on my tummy/next to me.



i'm not so sad about it any more [though i miss him. sometimes a LOT]...but i din't think i'd still be noticing so much that he's not with me...it's been a while since i left, you know?

i'm sure everyone's [well the few people who read this] sick of hearing the same old-same old...i don't really talk about much else...

tomorrow [well...today since it's past midnight. but i don't call it "today" until the sun is up] my sister madeline turns 20. now that's just crazy to me...

good night. i already brushed my teeth. all i have to do is climb into bed. geez.
-end-

well. i hear joseph playing upstairs. better go get him.
and no i wont eat the oreos. nonono

SAVED HIS LIFE.

wow!
i got an email from michelle robinette today...she was responding to one i wrote a few days ago, asking if matthew's gained weight...
she told me that he's gained four pounds since i left! [so he's up to 15lbs at 4months old] and she said "HE LOOKS GGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

and...this is the best part...
she said, "you saved his life for real"

that means SO much to me.
helps me have peace.
i still miss him like crazy...

but her telling me that affirms what i wouldn't believe before...that i was really used to save this baby's life. God could have used anybody, and would've used someone else if i wasn't there...but i do know that if i wasn't spending HOURS day after day at the hospital, he would have died. and even once he came home, if he didn't get 'round the clock nurturing/skin on skin treatment/someone learning him so well to be able to meet ALL his needs immediately...he was still at high risk of dying. and i got to save his life.
it took giving him mine while i could.
and i would do it again. every day. all the time...i don't care what it took out of me because there's nothing better than giving everything you have to save someone else. ahh i miss him so much. i wish i had new pictures of him. i want to see him so bad. now, i need to go to sleep. i haven't been able to sleep lately. but that's kind of normal haha...

well.
good night.
and i'm glad american idol turned out how it did tonight. KLC did really well yesterday, but i'm glad my favorites weren't in the bottom three and i'm glad syesha didn't go home. but i'm not voting or anything. anyways. yeah.

this looks like the emails i'd write to my cousins when they were living in bolivia when i was in elementary school/junior high...saying goodbye over and over again.

yeah.

first time

[one of matthew's first days with us!! two weeks old. and he still grabs his face just like this.]

this is my first time since leaving jamaica, and having my mind be so heavy with that, that i've been able to just listen to 'worship music'...and sing it...
and have joy.
plus, my house is beginning to smell like summer and i'm eating DARK chocolate, so that could be a small part of it...

i stayed up all night listening to music, watching tyler perry's "why did i get married" and rearranging my room and finally unpacking from jamaica. i went to bed when the sun came up and got up at lunchtime and made good food. [vegetables, eggs]

i'm getting the room ready for my grandparents who are fisiting today.

anyways...these are the songs:
from the inside out and everything, by campaign
still, by one of my best friends, which makes it even more comforting, david kalani matsumura

you can get their songs on itunes...

this was an email to a friend. but it talks a lot about jamaica. so, here...

and you're right...there are no words to describe what i did. it's just crazy how i had it in me to do that and i couldn't do anything else with peace until i did that. and i only made it through because of God through me, and i'm still processing it all...i experienced crazy and uncomfortable things, things americans are not used to. i've lived in bolivia before, so seeing the poverty in that way, or the whole "third world country" thing was nothing new...but it just stinks seeing kids who were raped by family members and now have kids of their own, or kids who are beaten by parents with machetes, or kids who are starving to death or who are illeterate because their parents just party and keep having more kids and don't take care of the ones they already have, or even make bonds with people in our community and then have to leave them, like the kids in the youth group and the guys i'd go for runs with on the weekends, or the women i'd talk to late into the night because i didn't have my friends there so i'd talk and cry to some of the staff, or kids who are hospitalized and being neglected so badly by hospital staff, and not being allowed to pick up a baby in the crib across from 'my baby' because he's only touched when they prop him up for a bottle and his own mother can't come to the hospital because she can't miss any more work...or taking care of a 12 year old boy who had a psychotic mental break down and is constantly having hallucenations of duppies ["ghosts"] following him everywhere and filling up his bed at night, or watching a boy at the hospital every day, sometimes with his dad sitting next to his bed, holding his hand and sleeping with him as he dies from cancer-and then see them tie up his body in sheets and wheel him out or the children's ward, or look down at your baby's bed and not even recognize him because he is so close to death,
or spending 12 hour days in the emergency room with a suffering infant [same baby i just mentioned] who is recovering from almost dying and from surgery, holding him while he gets stuck with needles 8 times and given nothing to ease the pain...IT'S JUST CRAZY!! haha...God just gives some people the ability to do what i did...i don't understand it...i love it...it's great. even though it's crazy or hard or sad...and then there's some things i'm just not able to do as easily or as well...like just stay in one place and work and go to school for some degree...i don't have those kinds of goals...well actually i do now because after jamaica and everything i went through personally while i was there, aside from the kids and all that, i really want to go to school...anyways, i don't even know what i'm saying any more.
but i'm glad someone's reading it!
uhh. okay...i need to go like i said before. i need to go eat lunch and do some laundry and dishes...
wow. it just so happens that i'm finally getting some of this out in this email to you. i'll probably post it in my blog...
anyways...

breakfast and movies.

my copy of 'things we lost in the fire' wasn't working.
that's too bad. i finished the beanie i started yesterday while i was waiting for the dvd to run smoothly...
even though i only got to see the first five minutes, it made me realize that everybody loses people.
at least matthew is alive! i don't have to mourn his death...just his absence from my life. i really hope he gets to go to his adoptive parents this month like he's supposed to. i hope he's gaining weight. i hope he's happy. he's four months old this week!

i just ate this really good whole wheat ['ancient grains' brand] bread with cinnamon-honey and a big bowl of grapes, strawberries and raspberries...and i made a little creamy goodness to go with it: light sour cream with brown sugar...

now that riley is awake, i'm going to watch some 'wow wow wubzzy' [sp?] with her while she eats her eggo. joseph is at preschool.

balloons and muscles.

[yesterday]
the kids are up, we had breakfast, played, riley and i listened to dan zanes and had a mini dance party while joseph had to go to his bed for a while after chucking a huge heavy toy at riley when they were playing, then joseph came to play with us and we did puzzles and had lunch.

and now...............

this four year old little man is blowing up a balloon [and i can see SO MUCH SPIT FILLING THE INSIDE and laughs really hard when he lets the air blow into his face. since riley thinks it’s so funny, he lets the air out onto her face every couple times and makes her laugh even more...

yum. spitfaces.

[today]
getting four year old joseph to eat peas.


...

"it’s gonna make your muscles bigger"

of course.

no attention span for reading.

i want to read.
or even watch a good movie.
i'm waiting for the kids to wake up. but i'm glad they're sleeping in because they'll be happier today.

i don't understand it, but ever since my last two weeks in jamaica, i just can't get myself to read. and i want to read so badly. i can barely even take time to write in my notebooks. at least typing is fast enough to keep my mind engaged for a little while.

i really think this is because i just went through really fun and tough things in jamaica. and because i don't know how to handle leaving a child that was as close to being mine as possible without having come from my own body.
it's weird.

what am i to do?

you have no idea.

some music can make me feel melancholy in the most bittersweet of ways.
buggar.

at least i'm alive to feel it.

i'm finally going to start my nanny job today.
basically really excited about it.

walking in nature and pilates will change your life

and so will real good home cooking.

and my house is really cold even when it's nice and warm outside.

and i am so so so thankful to have such easy access to more music again.

and i'm about to spend some time with the doyle family, and i am going to nanny for them and then buy a car later...and hopefully i have enough frequent flier miles to go to jamaica for a visit in august.

and it is still weird trying to process not having all those kids around all the time. and i miss the weather on the island...warm, sometimes hot, a rainstorm every afternoon and sometimes at night...

umm. did i mention that i like music?

it is such a tedious thing putting photos online...and i will soon have to choose just 200 of them to print and put into this album i bought from world market last year...

i saw this music video today...leona lewis. i like how she sings that song.

ahh i wish i could be more patient with overbearing people...especially since i can be very overbearing.

i have not had the attention span to read lately. and that is such a bummer. because i'm trying to read love in the time of cholera and now we have the dvd and i really want to watch it but i have to wait.

oh, matthew. i miss that baby.

the puppy tried to eat my cellphone. thankfully there's just one little scratch on it.
[in her earlier days]


enough now.