birthdays in my fam, organic chocolate, and so forth

more pictures soon coming. there are still more december birthdays for us.
it's so cold in this town. i would like to nap and read and write and watch movies while i crochet all day with my big dog taking up all the space on my bed and my tiny space heater blowing at me from across the room.

anchor.

if it's not monday then it's friday either way i still love and miss him

mateo vincent

things are looking up for us, son

for some reason

i don't know why it came to mind. but i was reminded of this time on a trip when i was in joshua and i wanted darin and shannon to be able to hang out in the evening with everyone, so i offered to babysit their two boys almost every night. they were so little then! anyway someone always came along, like barb or katie and i think it was a time barb was there, i can't remember, but i had "pretty baby" by vanessa carlton stuck in my head and i kept singing like the one line i knew from that song...
anyways...
hank, with his lil bopo [binky] in his mouth, carrying a blankie, popped his head out of the bedroom and said, "baby's not goin anywhere, i'm right here"
too cute
and i think jack was sitting on the table while we played cards or something. i don't really remember.
well. there it is. and that's why i grabbed my cam and recorded myself singing that part. cuz it's a good memory.

now

not a question for answering

how is it, or why, that when anything goes wrong..."wrong"...big or small, it makes not having baby matthew with me feel that much more lonely and worse?!

mail from farmor.

she sends me articles, very old, old and new, from her many storage folders and boxes...things she cherished once...this is one. i don't know when it's from.
"attitude"
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our Attitudes." -Charles Swindoll

i was reading as i typed.

today.

i'm wearing her headband and she has strawberries and cinnamon all over her face.
then she made the puppy go "waltin on yo weg."
then she tackled me.







thought my earring just broke but it didn't.

oh myLANTA

so good.
Blend until smooth:
the meat and water from one young coconut.
one large banana.
about one cup of frozen whole strawberries.
about one and a half cups of frozen mango chunks.



you can add a little cinnamon, carob or chocolate powder/syrup, spirulina, or vitamin c powder or whatever if you like.


mmm delicious.
i'd post a picture but i drank it already.

it will change your life

baked sweet potato
topped with
coconut oil, a little pure mapel syrup,
mixture of cayanne pepper, cinnamon, little brown sugar & salt,
& chopped up perfectly ripe pear

+ one cup mate on the side

more photos i was going to post on his eleven month birthday.

eleven months old today.

video from august. was eight months in this one.


i have a really sweet one from when he was tinnnny and was ...i think 3 months old. it's just us hanging out one evening with shanakay, a girl who has lived at the orphanage almost her whole life and she's...twelve...and she was filming us while i was getting him ready to go down to my apartment for the night. [i slept with him every night since he was such a sick baby/failure to thrive/high maitenance and needed instant attention since in the hospital he was left alone so much unless his orphanage nurse/house mom or i [his other house mom] was there...basically from 1030pm-7am he'd be alone, sometimes longer. so sad i couldn't just stay by his bed at the hospital every night.
anyways whatever. i'm just saying.




[i miss him]

hurts so bad right now.

some of the things i love are just so far away from me right now. in more ways than one. what am i supposed to do? this feeling makes me want to just bundle up and sleep in a dark room for hours. i mean, i can still be happy in the meantime, but why do i have to be so separated from what and who i love? what's the point?!?! i know the christian answers like just wait on the lord and maybe this is time to learn something or grow and trust god because he knows what he's doing and whatever else but i'm still a little too alone. i'm still a little bit sad.
not that i can't handle that.
not that i expect anything to be easy.
not that i think i deserve anything anyways.
but in the meantime of life's transitions and changes i'm tired of always missing.
i miss matthew. i miss this. i miss i want mememe iii.
you know?

i'm def having one of my moments.
and i'm kind of fed up with having to be careful of everything i eat because of having an auto-immune disorder. oh and btw i can feel bronchitis coming on. it's right on time. i got it last year right at this time too. i had to take the children's amox. at the orphanage and stay in my room for 3 days. one day all i did was listen to all of the r.adams music on my ipod. actually i didn't even get through it all. and one day i tried playing their super warped and out of tune guitar.







but i'm not miserable.
why do people blame anyone else on things that are completely in their own control? you can't blame the puppy for destroying one of your favorite things if you didn't put it away up high and out of reach.

out of reach.
that's where my heart's favorite things are right now.
ahh sooooooooooo ridiculous! no. not really. i'm not gonna apologize for being a girl or for having a soft heart. i've had a hard one too and i'd take this one over that one any day, even if it is heavy with missing.

oh my little heart.
if i was in jamaica right now, my hands wouldn't be so cold.
but then i wouldn't be here.
and that's the next thing i know i'm supposed to learn. it will do me a lot of good.

if only i could escape by travelling. if only. but you can't fly your mind away from sentimental thoughts. ahhhhhhhhhhhh enough now.

i'm thankful the zombie movie from last night did not give me nightmares.
i'm looking forward to film class in two point five hours.

one of the things:

i had a dream last night that i was making a huge pot of vegetable soup.
weird
and my memory just failed me

old and new loves

the copelands.the ryanadamsandthecardinals. the danielnathanmiles. i will crawl into bed, covered head to toe in my down comforter and maybe the cat will come sit on me. i will doze off to these mens lovely sounds. and it will be ohsogreat. i'm exhausted.
she was a wreck but so was he.
she runs through my veins like a long black river and rattles my cage like a thunderstorm.
i'll hold you close in the back of my mind.
your voice seems miles away but somehow i hear your song resound.
we'll find ourselves on the safest ledge.
does this sound like you at all.
and when your neck can't carry on you look down to me the fool you understand that it goes to you.
i wanted you how did that not get through.
if i fall will you catch me if i'm sorry, sorry enough if i fall will you pity me will you confuse my love for the cobwebs.
fell past a cheekbone hill.
if the honey makes you sick then honey there is a line that must be walked.
slow down you don't have to talk lie down breathe stop slow down.
it's not a game but it feels like losin when someone you love throws you away.
dodeedodeedodeedoo we were born into a light.



cute. [post hosp march2008]

evero.

vecchia

how could i stop trying?!?

get back apathy :)

for the record

i so love pretty things.
it's prob evident
but i just wanted to type it out.

hello little butterfly. do you want to make your perch on the back of my hand? join me today, little butterfly. i will show you what this world has for you. as long as you stay with me, i will take care of you endlessly. be my new friend, little guy. because i really like you. it would be nice if you would stay, but if you have to leave because you were made to fly, then i understand. i ask nothing in return, anyway. so little butterfly, goodbye until next time.

______________________________
i think i found the reason for my stagnance this morning. i heard iron helps you sleep. i know i'm not getting enough for my lil body with the auto immune disorder. so now, i need to get caught up and dormire tutto il giorno.
i know i'm in america, but i didn't take italian for nothin.
______________________________
in the margins where i took notes in political science

it's not my own. i read something by a friend and it got stuck in my head just like a song so i scribbled away while i listened. such a multitasker. [but i guess sometimes i try to take on too much. but that's a whole nother thing for a different time that is not now.]

i have to leave my house in three minutes. wash face, put on uniform, get a water of bottle [gah! i always say that backwards! seriously not on purpose!] and take a drive down tennis lane to the big yellow building. awesome. i'm going to get cold.

lazy grey day but i can't stay inside.

if motivation were a pill, i'd take it.

likkle lullaby list.

stop
it goes to you
rest in you

...and if i really can't sleep...
how do you keep love alive
la cienaga just smiled
your turn or it's your turn
then the other three from up there.

hmm so nice.

don't usually like doing this, but i'm just going to copy from what i put somewhere else

slept through my alarm to get ready for class. but that's ok. i needed to sleep. i think i'll start trying to sleep at night. waking up between 530 or 6am feels so good if i go to bed early enough.

anyoneknowwhatimean?! for real, it's ___________________.[insert a great, descriptive word here. i need a thesaurus.]

i love how joyful my puppy is this morning. she's sitting on me. gross. she just licked my chin.

i enjoy working with kids and everything, but i really wish i didn't have to work my regular mon/wed 1-5 cuz i feel like going to the tea shop downtown to read and write and draw and collage all day. it's just one of those days, i can feel it. but maybe someone will bring a lil six or seven month old baby to work that i can hold for a while and it will srsly make it worth my time. worries wash away with a baby in my arms. really, anything bothering me just slips away when i have that sort of distraction. and i didn't even realize it till one day. i had something hanging over my head that was just making me feel all murky grey inside...i held and bottle fed this baby girl for the last 45 min of my shift and suddenly realized that wow, i felt as light as a feather and hadn't thought of the murkiness for that whole time. it was so nice. it's crazy. i don't know how it happens. for some people, it's something else.

i have missed late night conversations so much. i was giddily thankful in the moment and was so happy something so simple could make my day. not like that's not normal. but i wont over explain because i'm not over thinking. for once

once. i want to watch that but don't feel like taking the time. can't wait til sister comes home for thanksgiving break. and i need to make breakfast.

craving papayas. BUT MY MOM BOUGHT ME SWEET POTATOES! she knows how bad i've been wanting to cook and eat those every day. she's such a good mom.

i am in one of those moods where i could just sit and write and write for hours. usually i get like this in my bed with a notebook and a pen that's running out of ink [from writing so much]. i'm not kidding, usually once or twice a week three hours goes by before i even notice that...time is going by. that's kind of redundant huh?

so i think i'll just stop now.










both of our little dogs insisted on sitting on my lap in this little desk chair. and insisted on me scratching their neck and back while trying to type. and contorted their heads back [because they were facing forward] to lick my neck and chin and since they were sitting on my arms, i couldn't stop them. GROSSGROSSGROSS! i just really don't like being licked by dogs. blech. it happened so quick but now i got the heebiejeebies

and when it gets late i don't want to do anything but paint and do yoga and dance and sing.

essays hang over my head like rain clouds full of brick-heavy razors.

cute vid

newest video from OverTheRhine.DesperateForLove. funtowatch.
you have to pause my music player on the bottom of this page, first.

scrapbook.

this guy is a catcher of giant mice. he wants to provide for the family. today he brought two mice [one still a lil bit alive] upstairs to my parents' bedroom, where my mom has been sick in bed for almost a week!
what a sweet zipper cat.


more preferable than claritin-oh come winter, when lemons are much cheaper.

cause for a happy afternoon.



in other regions of life, apparently siamo anche, ha detto. pero non so. i took some spanish. i took some italian. i lived around jamaican patois. so now i speak spanalian with a lil island twist. it's fun. so shoot me :)

ALSO, MY DEAR FRIEND ALI WHO IS ONE OF THE SPECIAL ONES I JUST DO NOT GET TO SEE OFTEN ENOUGH CREATED A POST ESPECIALLY FOR ME CUZ I TOLD HER I MISS HER AND I WANTED HER TO UPDATE HER BLOG. SO. THAT'S SWEET.

last night and today. from endish to startish and back again.

more later


currently watching 101 dalmations with my sister angela and joseph in his unders and riley in her "party dress" but my cam battery died so oh well

sometimes i say something and then i realize i don't want people to get the impression that i really think that way because i don't. oh well

just for fun

i am in need of
strawberries and apples,
jablum and sunshine
a guitar and a man
a front porch with friends
board games and books
yoga mat action and a bubble bath
a good haircut, maybe new hair color
a shopping spree at anthropologie
a free flight to the island
time, time, time
more time for school reading and homework
for daydreaming and cooking
for running and settling in
of a job that i love
of money in the bank
of an adoption lawyer
of concert tickets and most of all
early sleep so i can enjoy more early mornings with a pot of tea and my bible
with only the pups and cat and rising sun making any other movement through the room
there was much more, but i forgot at the moment.
listening to rachael yamagata's song, "elephants" over and over
it's so mellow i love it
and i don't have it memorized so it's not too distracting while i read articles about presidential campaigns for a paper that's due tomorrow.
better get back to that.

still gets to me

heavenly day came on [see playlist at the bottom of the page] and i played the video of matthew just below this.
turns out, it's still just as moving as it was a couple months ago when it pierced my little heart. ...or was it longer ago than that? ...
i love this baby, i do.

but i mean, it's just so weird how i'm just here doing my thing and he's there living his little life and being taken care of by a gazillion people and i spent a little special and crucial time with him and now i'm just gone from his life...i had to leave him. i don't know. that's just crazy. he needed someone and i was there so i loved him fully and poured all of my energy into taking care of him and praying and hoping he wouldn't die and would still grow to be strong and not too damaged from everything and man it was exhausting but so, so good at the same time.
...it's just so weird thinking that someone else could adopt him and raise him and love him IN PERSON forever. but who am i to say...anything at all...? i am just thinking while i type...it's no big deal i'm not freaking out or crying or anything. i don't know how to explain what my heart and thoughts are like...i can't get it into words. maybe someone understands. i don't know.
but i can so picture him here all wrapped up in my life.
i'm such an imaginer. i don't really even have to try. it's just like i blink and there it all is. i can see what it would be like with him. and i mean i know right now is not the best time for me to have him. but i really hope i can find a way to afford aveda institute for the spring because once i finish that [<5 mos] and can get a solid job and get settled, i'll be set.
actually even now if i was just working starbucks and the gym i could afford it, but i'd have to work all the time which is...kind of pointless. why would i adopt him now if i'd have to always leave him with someone else?
anyways.
i just want to keep the process rolling. it will be interesting to see how i feel once i know whether or not the social workers commit him to me or not.
oh i think i figured it out.
i'm kind of desensitized to him right now. so that it wont hurt too bad being away from him. that's what it is. i have to be a little disconnected from remembering him and everything so that i wont just melt into a puddle of missingmyson allthetime.
it's great that it's possible though...that i really have a chance. it's not that i'm in a rush to be in that stage of life or anything. but it's matthew. i don't know if anyone can relate except for a mom who imagines leaving her two month old thousands of miles away never knowing if she'll ever see him or her again. if you think of that then you'll know what it's like for me with matthew. with everything we went though in those 2ish months, we're as close as a real mom and baby can be.
which is just crazy. the whole concept of adoption is amazing. how you can love someone that didn't even come from your own body so much, so unconditionally.
hmm time to get back to life. what is going on i'm typing so much?!?!

oh and ps my dad is crazy. he is addicted to jalapenos and eats like 3-8 just raw like and apple and then 1/4 to 1/2 gallon of ice cream to cool his mouth/throat/etc.
ridiculous!!

ok so i stayed up late organizing old photos

cutie baby
this is when i went to jamaica just for a week-august 2008. matthew had to go to the doctor and hospital the day before from having ear infection and being dehydrated [had to get an iv then got to spend the night with his house mom from the orphanage, who met up with us at the doctor and stayed with him at the hospital.]
i make that crazy face cuz i didn't think i'd get to see him again.

doing this to recover from the creepy movie i had to watch in my film/lit class tonight.

the dogs like to sit around with me
and the cat allllways joins me when i brush my teeth...he comes bounding into the bathroom as soon as he hears me pick up my tooth brush and open the toothpaste, jumps onto the counter purring loudly, and nuzzles my forearms and elbows as i stand there brushing away-OR he curls up into the sink, so i turn on the water and he climbs out and just sticks his head under the faucet to drink. i guess he likes cool running water...
someone from south dakota i met in jamaica went there recently [we both go there a lot, she goes more often than i as she is a board member or member at large of the home] and took pictures of this happy little man for me. such a miracle baby.


i love him. [9 and a half months in these]

and this...is me these days...

[finally reading something by her]

migranes mean laying down a lot. i had to hold my head to walk around for a couple days...

making this for my friend sarah. it will look great on her...she has super long hair. my youngest sister angela says i look like a killer with my crochet hook. awesome.

i was invited to a halloween party tonight by a girl in my class. interesting. i don't really go anywhere or do anything like that so this will be interesting if i go. i probably wont. i'll see if we can get coffee instead. i like being in homey settings and family outings not parrrr-tay settings. [although last halloween in chicago with my cousins was quite fun, oh yes.]


and THIS is me and my boy way back when

i just can't get enough. [i rediscovered a TON of pictures that i forgot about...]

she is called crackers

our puppy was SO LOUD this morning!
from about 8-830
oh mylanta.

but she's a really good dog. she just wanted some company downstairs.

sometimes, i feel like i could go crazy without matthew.
what can i possibly do to get him here?
i have moments.
they pass pretty quickly.
and the answer is 'pretty much nothing'

just received an email with these!

baby boy is nine and a half months old in these.
his teeth!
his smile!
he's ALMOST filling out a shirt for the first time ever!





i love him.