still gets to me

heavenly day came on [see playlist at the bottom of the page] and i played the video of matthew just below this.
turns out, it's still just as moving as it was a couple months ago when it pierced my little heart. ...or was it longer ago than that? ...
i love this baby, i do.

but i mean, it's just so weird how i'm just here doing my thing and he's there living his little life and being taken care of by a gazillion people and i spent a little special and crucial time with him and now i'm just gone from his life...i had to leave him. i don't know. that's just crazy. he needed someone and i was there so i loved him fully and poured all of my energy into taking care of him and praying and hoping he wouldn't die and would still grow to be strong and not too damaged from everything and man it was exhausting but so, so good at the same time.
...it's just so weird thinking that someone else could adopt him and raise him and love him IN PERSON forever. but who am i to say...anything at all...? i am just thinking while i type...it's no big deal i'm not freaking out or crying or anything. i don't know how to explain what my heart and thoughts are like...i can't get it into words. maybe someone understands. i don't know.
but i can so picture him here all wrapped up in my life.
i'm such an imaginer. i don't really even have to try. it's just like i blink and there it all is. i can see what it would be like with him. and i mean i know right now is not the best time for me to have him. but i really hope i can find a way to afford aveda institute for the spring because once i finish that [<5 mos] and can get a solid job and get settled, i'll be set.
actually even now if i was just working starbucks and the gym i could afford it, but i'd have to work all the time which is...kind of pointless. why would i adopt him now if i'd have to always leave him with someone else?
anyways.
i just want to keep the process rolling. it will be interesting to see how i feel once i know whether or not the social workers commit him to me or not.
oh i think i figured it out.
i'm kind of desensitized to him right now. so that it wont hurt too bad being away from him. that's what it is. i have to be a little disconnected from remembering him and everything so that i wont just melt into a puddle of missingmyson allthetime.
it's great that it's possible though...that i really have a chance. it's not that i'm in a rush to be in that stage of life or anything. but it's matthew. i don't know if anyone can relate except for a mom who imagines leaving her two month old thousands of miles away never knowing if she'll ever see him or her again. if you think of that then you'll know what it's like for me with matthew. with everything we went though in those 2ish months, we're as close as a real mom and baby can be.
which is just crazy. the whole concept of adoption is amazing. how you can love someone that didn't even come from your own body so much, so unconditionally.
hmm time to get back to life. what is going on i'm typing so much?!?!

oh and ps my dad is crazy. he is addicted to jalapenos and eats like 3-8 just raw like and apple and then 1/4 to 1/2 gallon of ice cream to cool his mouth/throat/etc.
ridiculous!!