first time

[one of matthew's first days with us!! two weeks old. and he still grabs his face just like this.]

this is my first time since leaving jamaica, and having my mind be so heavy with that, that i've been able to just listen to 'worship music'...and sing it...
and have joy.
plus, my house is beginning to smell like summer and i'm eating DARK chocolate, so that could be a small part of it...

i stayed up all night listening to music, watching tyler perry's "why did i get married" and rearranging my room and finally unpacking from jamaica. i went to bed when the sun came up and got up at lunchtime and made good food. [vegetables, eggs]

i'm getting the room ready for my grandparents who are fisiting today.

anyways...these are the songs:
from the inside out and everything, by campaign
still, by one of my best friends, which makes it even more comforting, david kalani matsumura

you can get their songs on itunes...

this was an email to a friend. but it talks a lot about jamaica. so, here...

and you're right...there are no words to describe what i did. it's just crazy how i had it in me to do that and i couldn't do anything else with peace until i did that. and i only made it through because of God through me, and i'm still processing it all...i experienced crazy and uncomfortable things, things americans are not used to. i've lived in bolivia before, so seeing the poverty in that way, or the whole "third world country" thing was nothing new...but it just stinks seeing kids who were raped by family members and now have kids of their own, or kids who are beaten by parents with machetes, or kids who are starving to death or who are illeterate because their parents just party and keep having more kids and don't take care of the ones they already have, or even make bonds with people in our community and then have to leave them, like the kids in the youth group and the guys i'd go for runs with on the weekends, or the women i'd talk to late into the night because i didn't have my friends there so i'd talk and cry to some of the staff, or kids who are hospitalized and being neglected so badly by hospital staff, and not being allowed to pick up a baby in the crib across from 'my baby' because he's only touched when they prop him up for a bottle and his own mother can't come to the hospital because she can't miss any more work...or taking care of a 12 year old boy who had a psychotic mental break down and is constantly having hallucenations of duppies ["ghosts"] following him everywhere and filling up his bed at night, or watching a boy at the hospital every day, sometimes with his dad sitting next to his bed, holding his hand and sleeping with him as he dies from cancer-and then see them tie up his body in sheets and wheel him out or the children's ward, or look down at your baby's bed and not even recognize him because he is so close to death,
or spending 12 hour days in the emergency room with a suffering infant [same baby i just mentioned] who is recovering from almost dying and from surgery, holding him while he gets stuck with needles 8 times and given nothing to ease the pain...IT'S JUST CRAZY!! haha...God just gives some people the ability to do what i did...i don't understand it...i love it...it's great. even though it's crazy or hard or sad...and then there's some things i'm just not able to do as easily or as well...like just stay in one place and work and go to school for some degree...i don't have those kinds of goals...well actually i do now because after jamaica and everything i went through personally while i was there, aside from the kids and all that, i really want to go to school...anyways, i don't even know what i'm saying any more.
but i'm glad someone's reading it!
uhh. okay...i need to go like i said before. i need to go eat lunch and do some laundry and dishes...
wow. it just so happens that i'm finally getting some of this out in this email to you. i'll probably post it in my blog...
anyways...

breakfast and movies.

my copy of 'things we lost in the fire' wasn't working.
that's too bad. i finished the beanie i started yesterday while i was waiting for the dvd to run smoothly...
even though i only got to see the first five minutes, it made me realize that everybody loses people.
at least matthew is alive! i don't have to mourn his death...just his absence from my life. i really hope he gets to go to his adoptive parents this month like he's supposed to. i hope he's gaining weight. i hope he's happy. he's four months old this week!

i just ate this really good whole wheat ['ancient grains' brand] bread with cinnamon-honey and a big bowl of grapes, strawberries and raspberries...and i made a little creamy goodness to go with it: light sour cream with brown sugar...

now that riley is awake, i'm going to watch some 'wow wow wubzzy' [sp?] with her while she eats her eggo. joseph is at preschool.

balloons and muscles.

[yesterday]
the kids are up, we had breakfast, played, riley and i listened to dan zanes and had a mini dance party while joseph had to go to his bed for a while after chucking a huge heavy toy at riley when they were playing, then joseph came to play with us and we did puzzles and had lunch.

and now...............

this four year old little man is blowing up a balloon [and i can see SO MUCH SPIT FILLING THE INSIDE and laughs really hard when he lets the air blow into his face. since riley thinks it’s so funny, he lets the air out onto her face every couple times and makes her laugh even more...

yum. spitfaces.

[today]
getting four year old joseph to eat peas.


...

"it’s gonna make your muscles bigger"

of course.

no attention span for reading.

i want to read.
or even watch a good movie.
i'm waiting for the kids to wake up. but i'm glad they're sleeping in because they'll be happier today.

i don't understand it, but ever since my last two weeks in jamaica, i just can't get myself to read. and i want to read so badly. i can barely even take time to write in my notebooks. at least typing is fast enough to keep my mind engaged for a little while.

i really think this is because i just went through really fun and tough things in jamaica. and because i don't know how to handle leaving a child that was as close to being mine as possible without having come from my own body.
it's weird.

what am i to do?

you have no idea.

some music can make me feel melancholy in the most bittersweet of ways.
buggar.

at least i'm alive to feel it.

i'm finally going to start my nanny job today.
basically really excited about it.

walking in nature and pilates will change your life

and so will real good home cooking.

and my house is really cold even when it's nice and warm outside.

and i am so so so thankful to have such easy access to more music again.

and i'm about to spend some time with the doyle family, and i am going to nanny for them and then buy a car later...and hopefully i have enough frequent flier miles to go to jamaica for a visit in august.

and it is still weird trying to process not having all those kids around all the time. and i miss the weather on the island...warm, sometimes hot, a rainstorm every afternoon and sometimes at night...

umm. did i mention that i like music?

it is such a tedious thing putting photos online...and i will soon have to choose just 200 of them to print and put into this album i bought from world market last year...

i saw this music video today...leona lewis. i like how she sings that song.

ahh i wish i could be more patient with overbearing people...especially since i can be very overbearing.

i have not had the attention span to read lately. and that is such a bummer. because i'm trying to read love in the time of cholera and now we have the dvd and i really want to watch it but i have to wait.

oh, matthew. i miss that baby.

the puppy tried to eat my cellphone. thankfully there's just one little scratch on it.
[in her earlier days]


enough now.