i am in need of
strawberries and apples,
jablum and sunshine
a guitar and a man
a front porch with friends
board games and books
yoga mat action and a bubble bath
a good haircut, maybe new hair color
a shopping spree at anthropologie
a free flight to the island
time, time, time
more time for school reading and homework
for daydreaming and cooking
for running and settling in
of a job that i love
of money in the bank
of an adoption lawyer
of concert tickets and most of all
early sleep so i can enjoy more early mornings with a pot of tea and my bible
with only the pups and cat and rising sun making any other movement through the room
there was much more, but i forgot at the moment.
listening to rachael yamagata's song, "elephants" over and over
it's so mellow i love it
and i don't have it memorized so it's not too distracting while i read articles about presidential campaigns for a paper that's due tomorrow.
better get back to that.
28 October 2008
21 October 2008
still gets to me
heavenly day came on [see playlist at the bottom of the page] and i played the video of matthew just below this.
turns out, it's still just as moving as it was a couple months ago when it pierced my little heart. ...or was it longer ago than that? ...
i love this baby, i do.
but i mean, it's just so weird how i'm just here doing my thing and he's there living his little life and being taken care of by a gazillion people and i spent a little special and crucial time with him and now i'm just gone from his life...i had to leave him. i don't know. that's just crazy. he needed someone and i was there so i loved him fully and poured all of my energy into taking care of him and praying and hoping he wouldn't die and would still grow to be strong and not too damaged from everything and man it was exhausting but so, so good at the same time.
...it's just so weird thinking that someone else could adopt him and raise him and love him IN PERSON forever. but who am i to say...anything at all...? i am just thinking while i type...it's no big deal i'm not freaking out or crying or anything. i don't know how to explain what my heart and thoughts are like...i can't get it into words. maybe someone understands. i don't know.
but i can so picture him here all wrapped up in my life.
i'm such an imaginer. i don't really even have to try. it's just like i blink and there it all is. i can see what it would be like with him. and i mean i know right now is not the best time for me to have him. but i really hope i can find a way to afford aveda institute for the spring because once i finish that [<5 mos] and can get a solid job and get settled, i'll be set.
actually even now if i was just working starbucks and the gym i could afford it, but i'd have to work all the time which is...kind of pointless. why would i adopt him now if i'd have to always leave him with someone else?
anyways.
i just want to keep the process rolling. it will be interesting to see how i feel once i know whether or not the social workers commit him to me or not.
oh i think i figured it out.
i'm kind of desensitized to him right now. so that it wont hurt too bad being away from him. that's what it is. i have to be a little disconnected from remembering him and everything so that i wont just melt into a puddle of missingmyson allthetime.
it's great that it's possible though...that i really have a chance. it's not that i'm in a rush to be in that stage of life or anything. but it's matthew. i don't know if anyone can relate except for a mom who imagines leaving her two month old thousands of miles away never knowing if she'll ever see him or her again. if you think of that then you'll know what it's like for me with matthew. with everything we went though in those 2ish months, we're as close as a real mom and baby can be.
which is just crazy. the whole concept of adoption is amazing. how you can love someone that didn't even come from your own body so much, so unconditionally.
hmm time to get back to life. what is going on i'm typing so much?!?!
oh and ps my dad is crazy. he is addicted to jalapenos and eats like 3-8 just raw like and apple and then 1/4 to 1/2 gallon of ice cream to cool his mouth/throat/etc.
ridiculous!!
turns out, it's still just as moving as it was a couple months ago when it pierced my little heart. ...or was it longer ago than that? ...
i love this baby, i do.
but i mean, it's just so weird how i'm just here doing my thing and he's there living his little life and being taken care of by a gazillion people and i spent a little special and crucial time with him and now i'm just gone from his life...i had to leave him. i don't know. that's just crazy. he needed someone and i was there so i loved him fully and poured all of my energy into taking care of him and praying and hoping he wouldn't die and would still grow to be strong and not too damaged from everything and man it was exhausting but so, so good at the same time.
...it's just so weird thinking that someone else could adopt him and raise him and love him IN PERSON forever. but who am i to say...anything at all...? i am just thinking while i type...it's no big deal i'm not freaking out or crying or anything. i don't know how to explain what my heart and thoughts are like...i can't get it into words. maybe someone understands. i don't know.
but i can so picture him here all wrapped up in my life.
i'm such an imaginer. i don't really even have to try. it's just like i blink and there it all is. i can see what it would be like with him. and i mean i know right now is not the best time for me to have him. but i really hope i can find a way to afford aveda institute for the spring because once i finish that [<5 mos] and can get a solid job and get settled, i'll be set.
actually even now if i was just working starbucks and the gym i could afford it, but i'd have to work all the time which is...kind of pointless. why would i adopt him now if i'd have to always leave him with someone else?
anyways.
i just want to keep the process rolling. it will be interesting to see how i feel once i know whether or not the social workers commit him to me or not.
oh i think i figured it out.
i'm kind of desensitized to him right now. so that it wont hurt too bad being away from him. that's what it is. i have to be a little disconnected from remembering him and everything so that i wont just melt into a puddle of missingmyson allthetime.
it's great that it's possible though...that i really have a chance. it's not that i'm in a rush to be in that stage of life or anything. but it's matthew. i don't know if anyone can relate except for a mom who imagines leaving her two month old thousands of miles away never knowing if she'll ever see him or her again. if you think of that then you'll know what it's like for me with matthew. with everything we went though in those 2ish months, we're as close as a real mom and baby can be.
which is just crazy. the whole concept of adoption is amazing. how you can love someone that didn't even come from your own body so much, so unconditionally.
hmm time to get back to life. what is going on i'm typing so much?!?!
oh and ps my dad is crazy. he is addicted to jalapenos and eats like 3-8 just raw like and apple and then 1/4 to 1/2 gallon of ice cream to cool his mouth/throat/etc.
ridiculous!!
18 October 2008
ok so i stayed up late organizing old photos
cutie baby
this is when i went to jamaica just for a week-august 2008. matthew had to go to the doctor and hospital the day before from having ear infection and being dehydrated [had to get an iv then got to spend the night with his house mom from the orphanage, who met up with us at the doctor and stayed with him at the hospital.]
i make that crazy face cuz i didn't think i'd get to see him again.
17 October 2008
doing this to recover from the creepy movie i had to watch in my film/lit class tonight.
the dogs like to sit around with me
and the cat allllways joins me when i brush my teeth...he comes bounding into the bathroom as soon as he hears me pick up my tooth brush and open the toothpaste, jumps onto the counter purring loudly, and nuzzles my forearms and elbows as i stand there brushing away-OR he curls up into the sink, so i turn on the water and he climbs out and just sticks his head under the faucet to drink. i guess he likes cool running water...
someone from south dakota i met in jamaica went there recently [we both go there a lot, she goes more often than i as she is a board member or member at large of the home] and took pictures of this happy little man for me. such a miracle baby.
i love him. [9 and a half months in these]
and this...is me these days...
[finally reading something by her]
migranes mean laying down a lot. i had to hold my head to walk around for a couple days...
making this for my friend sarah. it will look great on her...she has super long hair. my youngest sister angela says i look like a killer with my crochet hook. awesome.
i was invited to a halloween party tonight by a girl in my class. interesting. i don't really go anywhere or do anything like that so this will be interesting if i go. i probably wont. i'll see if we can get coffee instead. i like being in homey settings and family outings not parrrr-tay settings. [although last halloween in chicago with my cousins was quite fun, oh yes.]
and THIS is me and my boy way back when
i just can't get enough. [i rediscovered a TON of pictures that i forgot about...]
and the cat allllways joins me when i brush my teeth...he comes bounding into the bathroom as soon as he hears me pick up my tooth brush and open the toothpaste, jumps onto the counter purring loudly, and nuzzles my forearms and elbows as i stand there brushing away-OR he curls up into the sink, so i turn on the water and he climbs out and just sticks his head under the faucet to drink. i guess he likes cool running water...
someone from south dakota i met in jamaica went there recently [we both go there a lot, she goes more often than i as she is a board member or member at large of the home] and took pictures of this happy little man for me. such a miracle baby.
i love him. [9 and a half months in these]
and this...is me these days...
[finally reading something by her]
migranes mean laying down a lot. i had to hold my head to walk around for a couple days...
making this for my friend sarah. it will look great on her...she has super long hair. my youngest sister angela says i look like a killer with my crochet hook. awesome.
i was invited to a halloween party tonight by a girl in my class. interesting. i don't really go anywhere or do anything like that so this will be interesting if i go. i probably wont. i'll see if we can get coffee instead. i like being in homey settings and family outings not parrrr-tay settings. [although last halloween in chicago with my cousins was quite fun, oh yes.]
and THIS is me and my boy way back when
i just can't get enough. [i rediscovered a TON of pictures that i forgot about...]
14 October 2008
she is called crackers
our puppy was SO LOUD this morning!
from about 8-830
oh mylanta.
but she's a really good dog. she just wanted some company downstairs.
from about 8-830
oh mylanta.
but she's a really good dog. she just wanted some company downstairs.
13 October 2008
11 October 2008
just received an email with these!
baby boy is nine and a half months old in these.
his teeth!
his smile!
he's ALMOST filling out a shirt for the first time ever!
i love him.
his teeth!
his smile!
he's ALMOST filling out a shirt for the first time ever!
i love him.
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