4AM ramblings before falling asleep.

[i wrote this last night but am posting it now.]
i am SO SICK from all the different & american foods i ate the past couple days on the road trip. my mom and sisters stayed up until we got home which was fabulous. [madeline tackled me as soon as i walked in the door, mom met me in the living room by the pool table, and i went in the other living room and tackled angela. then madeline told me to pick up our dog, lucie’s, puppy that angela named crackers. so cute. of course i’ll add pictures soon...then i picked up lucie. i said holding crackers was the closest thing to holding matthew and my mom said that since she’d probably pee on me, it’s more like it than i think haha...] about four hours ago, i was moaning and crying because i felt so sick and was scrunched up in the back seat even more than i was when i went on that mini-tour with dave mats, matty and ben-v. ...and i called my mom crying, telling her she just HAD to go buy me some young coconuts at the grocery store because i needed the water because i’m borderline dehydrated and whatever.

so she told me to take advil and buy some gatorade at the next gas station...my brother had to help me get out of the car and i probably looked like a crazy woman wandering around inside the casino/wendys/gas station place...

i finally cried myself to sleep [it wasn’t as bad as the night before when i was crying over leaving jamaica] and woke up just as we drove into town. the closer we got to home, the more and more i had this overwhelming peace wash over me.

first time that has EVER happened. especially in the last 6 years. especially since last year. so, wow. then i just wanted to check this thing one more time. and here my jamaican song one more time [because not only is my ipod dead, but i haven’t put any dancehall on it yet]...

i still need people to pray for my heart because i accidentally fiercely fell in love with baby matthew and in the middle of the night, i get really sad knowing that if he’s not placed in the right room for the night [if he sleeps in a crib in the girl’s room without me there, nobody hears his faint cry and he’ll scream and cry for so long and go unnoticed and he’ll panic that he’s being starved again like at the hospital. if he’s placed in the baby room in a big crib with another baby, they never close the window by that specific crib and he will get way too cold, and he has a chest cold. if he shares a crib with another infant in michelle’s room, then everything’s fine and dandy, for the most part...] of course i know he’s well taken care of at robin’s nest. it’s a really great children’t home.

anyways.

peace to all and to all a good stinkin night.

rest stops, girl scout cookies in the back window, and muuusic.

I really miss this baby. He was my charge for the last 2+ months and we went through a LOT...he was almost dead after waiting for almost a month in the hospital before they would do his bowel obstruction surgery, and being fed only 2 ounces of formula every 4-7 hours was literally killing him. Sometimes I'd show up by his hospital bed and just haunch over and sob, and call my mom and my friend Katie.

I'm driving with my dad and brother from the midwest to California right now. It recently dawned on me that all of the rest stops we've been to have had clean and tidy bathrooms! I thought that was kind of cool.

We have thin mints and tagalongs in the back window. I opened the box of tagalongs [we had already eaten some thin mints with pumpernickel bread for breakfast] and the sun made them into melty, gooey perfectness. So we all ate one. [Actually, I ate two.] They were too rich. I'm excited to get home and start eating mostly raw foods again. And to go running and do yoga all the time. Ahh...I can almost feel my body getting all better again. [It's not that bad now. I was able to maintain it OK while I was living in Jamaica. But food and exercise were really limited due to finances and my location...]

Music. I just discovered Carla Bruni. Beautiful sounds. I can't wait until I can afford to buy her album on itunes. I'm also excited to see some of my friends play their music in the coming months.

STINKING WOW! We are in Wyoming and it is just beautiful where we are right now. I was already doing some photo stuff on my myspace so I'm tired of taking and uploading pictures, otherwise I'd whip out my camera right now and take a picture of these hills with flat snowcaps and post it on here...too bad.

I'm not exactly well enough to drive. I drove for maybe an hour in Nebraska [ever since a family road trip when I was about 10 or 12 years old, it's been my favorite state to drive through] but I'm just too exhausted and my system is all dried out from medication and lack of water and sleep the past week. [It's tough to get well hydrated again while road tripping on a time limit...haha...that reminds me of going on a mini-tour with Dave, Matty and Ben last year and we had to stop every 15 minutes for me...wow that was two months shy of one year ago.]

Well. Enough now.

in america

it is weird [and cold] to be back here after living on an island for five months.
i am excited...but i am figuring out how to handle the gap in my life where baby matthew was, and where all those kids were, really...i miss our neighborhood, i miss the air, the food, the people...

i had a moment in the airport while waiting for baggage.
i was walking through an ocean of white people.
weird.



well, i need some sleep...

here i am

i'm going to put matthew down and go to sleep now.