into the wild

i relate all too much with christopher/alexander supertramp.

his story made me so sad, and yet i know he would never be okay with living in the normal world if he did come out of the wild. because i feel the same way as he did about "society"...so uneasy with what everyone accepts as normal. i don't think it's really the best way though you know?

and now, something is very unsettling in my spirit.

what is the point of it all?

grade school, high school, college, career...

marriage, having babies, raising children...

[i just don't want to do any of it]

all that matters to me is matthew. all that keeps me sane [ok. relaxed.] is the ability to escape in music.

God and Heaven are the only point of living. Love.

but the pain along the way? unbearable.

i feel like i'm going to throw up after watching into the wild. i was so happy for him...seeing a man truly live from his full heart like that. living like he should be. off the land, out in the wild, being daring and brave...i wish more men would do that. for their own sake. for their hearts.

i sound like a ridiculous and confused young person. but i'm not really. take me or leave me. freak out and judge me if you want to. i'm living. i want to do so many things. i want to focus on what's right. i want to grow in the areas i'm gifted in. sometimes my heart feels too big to contain and maintain in one little body and one little life.

i know not many people even read what i write. i'm not asking for any responses. i was going to set this to private, just because it's just me thinking to myself. unedited, unprocessed, sloppy and not a full picture of everything i truly think. i think i often misrepresent myself and that's one of my least favorite things, being misrepresented. so i run the risk of any reader getting the wrong ideas about me, my thinking, or my life...but i know some people like reading these because i'm so transparent. i'm not showing off or showcasing anything...just...typing again. here. even though i'm afraid of looking immature or fickle or stupid...especially to certain people...and yes, i care what other people think. i don't know why, it just matters to me. this is not a disclaimer by any means...but i sure have taken a rabbit trail away from all i really meant to say in the first place. so i'll restate my main thoughts:

i just watched into the wild. it was inspiring and sad, moving, encouraging, frustrating. my heart is big. it feels big. i understand why he could never stay put. though i don't want to venture into the wild. i just get where he was coming from. and i'm feeling uneasy now. to the point of feeling queasy. because what's the point of school, career, family, blahblahblah? God, love, family, life...sure. pain is just so tiring though. at least i can lay in my bed, close my eyes, listen to some music and feel free.

i guess that sums it up kind of. i think it kind of sounds ridiculous.