hush

if i'm not sad i don't have much to say.

i like that, and i like that.

washed away

somehow the overall sad that was in me since leaving jamaica is just gone now.

ever since saturday, i've been with family and friends that i haven't been able to spend time with since my return, so maybe that's part of it. and i'm also reading more and listening to music more and singing more.

it was SO windy on the lake yesterday. the wind made the sun feel hardly warm and usually when i'm burning, i can feel it. well...i am burned pretty bad all over my legs and stomach. good thing i learned a pretty fabulous remedy while i was in jamaica...mustard. you slather it on like you would a face mask and let it dry. or put towels on your bed and just sleep with it on and wash it off in the morning. it takes away the pain and helps it heal. so that's what i did last night.

now, it is time to let the dogs in and play with the kids and drink a cup or two of mate. yum

this is matthew on 20th april, exactly three weeks after i left. look at his arms, finally getting pudgy! he was SKIN AND BONE from his first really long stay at the hospital, and gained about five pounds after i did everything i could with him, but he wasn't getting any of his baby fat back like he needed...doesn't he look so cute? i hope his hair grows back in all thick, but it depends on how well his exzema is managed. i think he's cute bald too though. :]
lately i have been able to spend a lot of time with my siblings and friends. i get so lonely for hume friends because everyone is so spread out when we're not at hume. and i'm finally feeling better in general about not being in jamaica any more. i think the holy spirit is doing some balancing work in my heart because a piece of my heart is there but i'm figuring out how to still let my heart thrive here and be joyful even though i miss jamaica and the people and life there...

i am so thankful that i've been able to spend time with friends lately and to get out of the house. the days i nanny are great because i'm with kids and family friends, but until i start working at the gym [next month] i am alone at my house most of the time. anyways. i just wanted to write a little bit about how i'm feeling better. i can't find the words to describe it though. my heart and mind feel lighter and i feel less worried and sad. i got to see an updated photo of matthew, so even though i had heard he's doing well [still having some health problems, but gaining weight!], now that i saw a picture i can really believe it.

it's time to sleep.

just a little something. i sound so young, it's annoying

i'm really lonely, but who do i tell?
i feel [and am] far away from my closest friends, and i don't even feel close to them any more since it's been so long that i've been able to spend time with any of them. i don't know that there's an issue of growing apart from anyone, it's just this killing distance...in spite of all the emails, blogs, websites, text messages and everything else, i still feel like i don't know anyone anymore. like i am alone.

it's just that kind of moment right now when you'd call a friend and just talk on the phone or meet somewhere in town or in the neighborhood and even though my phonebook has plenty of numbers, i don't know that i can call any of them for moments like this any more.
sometimes i just want to be back in jamaica. just taking care of a baby all day.
but i really want to be here too and i'm happy for that. it's pretty sweet that i get to spend time with family friends every couple of days...

but when i'm alone, i feel undone, and then my heart and mind feel alone. keeping in touch is so important, but so easy to be lazy about. now, i hurt.

i want to be joyful and be remembered for laughter and smiles...when i write sometimes though, it's like a flood of sadness or what feels like superficial happiness even though sometimes i really am happy.

i just need a friend.
i want my friends.

into the wild

i relate all too much with christopher/alexander supertramp.

his story made me so sad, and yet i know he would never be okay with living in the normal world if he did come out of the wild. because i feel the same way as he did about "society"...so uneasy with what everyone accepts as normal. i don't think it's really the best way though you know?

and now, something is very unsettling in my spirit.

what is the point of it all?

grade school, high school, college, career...

marriage, having babies, raising children...

[i just don't want to do any of it]

all that matters to me is matthew. all that keeps me sane [ok. relaxed.] is the ability to escape in music.

God and Heaven are the only point of living. Love.

but the pain along the way? unbearable.

i feel like i'm going to throw up after watching into the wild. i was so happy for him...seeing a man truly live from his full heart like that. living like he should be. off the land, out in the wild, being daring and brave...i wish more men would do that. for their own sake. for their hearts.

i sound like a ridiculous and confused young person. but i'm not really. take me or leave me. freak out and judge me if you want to. i'm living. i want to do so many things. i want to focus on what's right. i want to grow in the areas i'm gifted in. sometimes my heart feels too big to contain and maintain in one little body and one little life.

i know not many people even read what i write. i'm not asking for any responses. i was going to set this to private, just because it's just me thinking to myself. unedited, unprocessed, sloppy and not a full picture of everything i truly think. i think i often misrepresent myself and that's one of my least favorite things, being misrepresented. so i run the risk of any reader getting the wrong ideas about me, my thinking, or my life...but i know some people like reading these because i'm so transparent. i'm not showing off or showcasing anything...just...typing again. here. even though i'm afraid of looking immature or fickle or stupid...especially to certain people...and yes, i care what other people think. i don't know why, it just matters to me. this is not a disclaimer by any means...but i sure have taken a rabbit trail away from all i really meant to say in the first place. so i'll restate my main thoughts:

i just watched into the wild. it was inspiring and sad, moving, encouraging, frustrating. my heart is big. it feels big. i understand why he could never stay put. though i don't want to venture into the wild. i just get where he was coming from. and i'm feeling uneasy now. to the point of feeling queasy. because what's the point of school, career, family, blahblahblah? God, love, family, life...sure. pain is just so tiring though. at least i can lay in my bed, close my eyes, listen to some music and feel free.

i guess that sums it up kind of. i think it kind of sounds ridiculous.

my trip reportfor the robin's nest newsletter/website

i was blessed to spend five month at robin's nest from november-march this winter. i learned, changed, and grew so much. it's is a really hard thing to see children suffereing because of the mistakes or choices of adults, but i'm so thankful to have gotten to be a part of the robin's nest day to day life. i've been to the nest a few other times, but never with the pod system in place. it is so great! as soon as pod parents begin to really keep their children in small groups and separate for meals and playtime, the kids are so much more at ease, happier in general, and i see how they thrive by simply having their own parent figure to claim within the house to go to for permission and help for various things. the children light up when they are in their pods and talk amongst themselves about their pod moms/dads and they seem so proud to have pod siblings and pod parents. it was a really great thing to see and it gave me a great new perspective on what is best for them as opposed to what my previous ideas of what their needs are. the children at robin's nest are not starved for attention and love by any means, and that is amazing to see in a group home. of course much prayer is still needed for adoptions to go through smooth and quickly, and for the children and their new parents to be strong, patient, perseverant and adjust well.
my heart seemed like it was going crazy 99.9% of the time that i was there! i was able to help with the church youth group that some of the robin's nest older girls attend, and it was great to get to know some of the preteens who live in the neighborhood and go on church trips with them. it was great to spend a couple times weekly walking with the nest's older girls to church. it was great to be able to get up early and hang laundry as the sun rose over the property and do breakfast dishes with the staff, but that didn't happen as much as i would've liked because i chose to help so much at night once there were so many babies or sick children. it was great to get to help hold neyo while he was the only infant for a while, and to see him transition to having a pod parent toward the end of my stay. it was crazy around the holidays with five babies under five months, all being fed on rotation through the nights! ahh...doctors visits, court visits, cda visits, some children in and out quickly, some awaiting adoption, some finally going to their adoptive families (i saw at least six children go to families while i was there!), a handful being hospitalized...which meant LONG (4-12 hours) days spent in the ER, getting admitted, and taking care of the nest's children who had to stay for many, many nights...which leads to the highlight of my trip...
two babies were delivered to the nest on christmas eve. one of them, matthew, was premature and at two weeks old, he was smaller than the five-day-old. for a long time, i was still helping with the baby who had been there longer, so i didn't take very much care of him until his health kept getting worse and worse and he became more and more needy not only in the day but throughout the night. he was hospitalized for about a month and a second time for about a week due to digestive problems and he was so near death during his first hospital stay while awaiting surgery that michelle came home from seeing him one day after i took two days off from visiting him and told me to "prepare myself because he probably wont make it." i went first thing the next morning and walked past his crib because i didn't even recognize him. he looked like a white person and i had to get my face right down by his in the hospital bed and really stare to recognize him. we knew he was dying and it would be a miracle if he bounced back. michelle asked essentially if i would take care of him and fight for him, and she watched me to make sure i got some rest during those times so that i could be strong for him. i am beyond thankful and grateful that the Lord chose to use me in matthew's life. there is NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD that i would prefer over spending all of my strength and energy on him. it took everything in me as i'd spend countless hours just standing by his hospital bed holding him wrapped up against me in my sweatshirt, sometimes for up to or over 5 hours without a chair. the emotions ranging from rage to sadness to love and compassion for everything surrounding his situation were all worth it. it was overall amazing, as much as i hated seeing him suffer and as much as it hurt me too, i'm the most blessed person in the world to have been able to go through that with him. i don't really know what else to say.
robin's nest is really going in a great direction and God is faithful to continue what he started with it, right? from the boy's dorm to the container, to the ongoing problems and projects with water and current...to children coming and going...i'm glad i was part of it for a while.

sing with your head up lalala

that copeland song just popped into my head.
it's been so long since i have really sung. sang. whatever. last weekend was nice.

joseph and riley are playing SO NICE right now. i'm so proud of them. they're being so kind to each other. i love it.

sesame street is on! ahh the memories.

i think i will add to this later.
and i'm in the process of putting together a post with pictures of matthew that show how he was during his sickness and stuff.