into the wild

i relate all too much with christopher/alexander supertramp.

his story made me so sad, and yet i know he would never be okay with living in the normal world if he did come out of the wild. because i feel the same way as he did about "society"...so uneasy with what everyone accepts as normal. i don't think it's really the best way though you know?

and now, something is very unsettling in my spirit.

what is the point of it all?

grade school, high school, college, career...

marriage, having babies, raising children...

[i just don't want to do any of it]

all that matters to me is matthew. all that keeps me sane [ok. relaxed.] is the ability to escape in music.

God and Heaven are the only point of living. Love.

but the pain along the way? unbearable.

i feel like i'm going to throw up after watching into the wild. i was so happy for him...seeing a man truly live from his full heart like that. living like he should be. off the land, out in the wild, being daring and brave...i wish more men would do that. for their own sake. for their hearts.

i sound like a ridiculous and confused young person. but i'm not really. take me or leave me. freak out and judge me if you want to. i'm living. i want to do so many things. i want to focus on what's right. i want to grow in the areas i'm gifted in. sometimes my heart feels too big to contain and maintain in one little body and one little life.

i know not many people even read what i write. i'm not asking for any responses. i was going to set this to private, just because it's just me thinking to myself. unedited, unprocessed, sloppy and not a full picture of everything i truly think. i think i often misrepresent myself and that's one of my least favorite things, being misrepresented. so i run the risk of any reader getting the wrong ideas about me, my thinking, or my life...but i know some people like reading these because i'm so transparent. i'm not showing off or showcasing anything...just...typing again. here. even though i'm afraid of looking immature or fickle or stupid...especially to certain people...and yes, i care what other people think. i don't know why, it just matters to me. this is not a disclaimer by any means...but i sure have taken a rabbit trail away from all i really meant to say in the first place. so i'll restate my main thoughts:

i just watched into the wild. it was inspiring and sad, moving, encouraging, frustrating. my heart is big. it feels big. i understand why he could never stay put. though i don't want to venture into the wild. i just get where he was coming from. and i'm feeling uneasy now. to the point of feeling queasy. because what's the point of school, career, family, blahblahblah? God, love, family, life...sure. pain is just so tiring though. at least i can lay in my bed, close my eyes, listen to some music and feel free.

i guess that sums it up kind of. i think it kind of sounds ridiculous.

my trip reportfor the robin's nest newsletter/website

i was blessed to spend five month at robin's nest from november-march this winter. i learned, changed, and grew so much. it's is a really hard thing to see children suffereing because of the mistakes or choices of adults, but i'm so thankful to have gotten to be a part of the robin's nest day to day life. i've been to the nest a few other times, but never with the pod system in place. it is so great! as soon as pod parents begin to really keep their children in small groups and separate for meals and playtime, the kids are so much more at ease, happier in general, and i see how they thrive by simply having their own parent figure to claim within the house to go to for permission and help for various things. the children light up when they are in their pods and talk amongst themselves about their pod moms/dads and they seem so proud to have pod siblings and pod parents. it was a really great thing to see and it gave me a great new perspective on what is best for them as opposed to what my previous ideas of what their needs are. the children at robin's nest are not starved for attention and love by any means, and that is amazing to see in a group home. of course much prayer is still needed for adoptions to go through smooth and quickly, and for the children and their new parents to be strong, patient, perseverant and adjust well.
my heart seemed like it was going crazy 99.9% of the time that i was there! i was able to help with the church youth group that some of the robin's nest older girls attend, and it was great to get to know some of the preteens who live in the neighborhood and go on church trips with them. it was great to spend a couple times weekly walking with the nest's older girls to church. it was great to be able to get up early and hang laundry as the sun rose over the property and do breakfast dishes with the staff, but that didn't happen as much as i would've liked because i chose to help so much at night once there were so many babies or sick children. it was great to get to help hold neyo while he was the only infant for a while, and to see him transition to having a pod parent toward the end of my stay. it was crazy around the holidays with five babies under five months, all being fed on rotation through the nights! ahh...doctors visits, court visits, cda visits, some children in and out quickly, some awaiting adoption, some finally going to their adoptive families (i saw at least six children go to families while i was there!), a handful being hospitalized...which meant LONG (4-12 hours) days spent in the ER, getting admitted, and taking care of the nest's children who had to stay for many, many nights...which leads to the highlight of my trip...
two babies were delivered to the nest on christmas eve. one of them, matthew, was premature and at two weeks old, he was smaller than the five-day-old. for a long time, i was still helping with the baby who had been there longer, so i didn't take very much care of him until his health kept getting worse and worse and he became more and more needy not only in the day but throughout the night. he was hospitalized for about a month and a second time for about a week due to digestive problems and he was so near death during his first hospital stay while awaiting surgery that michelle came home from seeing him one day after i took two days off from visiting him and told me to "prepare myself because he probably wont make it." i went first thing the next morning and walked past his crib because i didn't even recognize him. he looked like a white person and i had to get my face right down by his in the hospital bed and really stare to recognize him. we knew he was dying and it would be a miracle if he bounced back. michelle asked essentially if i would take care of him and fight for him, and she watched me to make sure i got some rest during those times so that i could be strong for him. i am beyond thankful and grateful that the Lord chose to use me in matthew's life. there is NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD that i would prefer over spending all of my strength and energy on him. it took everything in me as i'd spend countless hours just standing by his hospital bed holding him wrapped up against me in my sweatshirt, sometimes for up to or over 5 hours without a chair. the emotions ranging from rage to sadness to love and compassion for everything surrounding his situation were all worth it. it was overall amazing, as much as i hated seeing him suffer and as much as it hurt me too, i'm the most blessed person in the world to have been able to go through that with him. i don't really know what else to say.
robin's nest is really going in a great direction and God is faithful to continue what he started with it, right? from the boy's dorm to the container, to the ongoing problems and projects with water and current...to children coming and going...i'm glad i was part of it for a while.

sing with your head up lalala

that copeland song just popped into my head.
it's been so long since i have really sung. sang. whatever. last weekend was nice.

joseph and riley are playing SO NICE right now. i'm so proud of them. they're being so kind to each other. i love it.

sesame street is on! ahh the memories.

i think i will add to this later.
and i'm in the process of putting together a post with pictures of matthew that show how he was during his sickness and stuff.

i am a changed woman...

in jamaica, i started eating pepper sauce on my lunches and dinners.
and it is very hot.
like two or three drops on one bite would make your head fall off...

today, i had jalapenos on my sandwich.
[of course, my nose started running and i even started sweating just a little bit and my mouth is still on fire, but it was good!]

what has happened to me?!

soon, i'd like to add some pictures to this post of my day today.
joseph and i had a funny face making extravaganza and riley ate handfuls of ketchup and mustard instead of her hot dog...she also seemed to think it would be nice if applied to her face and arms as a moisturizer. and, she insisted i wear a bright orange child sized home depot hard hat.

while they were napping...and while i was still awake myself, i finally read some more of a wrinkle in time. and i forget what else i was going to say.

"come close, listen to the story..." -phil wickham

earplugs help, but the story is still the same. no matthew=no sleep tonight.



with my head in my hands

now i really know what it's like for tears to burn my eyes

i cry

pictures of matthew on the computer screen

...and don't even get me started on the memories...

but this cry is only a whimper, i can barely cry because my heart is weirded out by all of this...because the pain is deep, i think, and coming from such a different place inside...this kind of pain is foreign to me...it lies beneath the surface but it's not really hidden from anyone.

my baby is gone. my baby is not mine any more. i'll probably never see him again. i don't get to finish raising him. no matter how grateful i am that i was chosen [by God, by people onsite in jamaica...] to help save his life...my. baby. is. gone. my baby is not mine any more.

that's just not supposed to happen...it's not natural...[ok i could go into a tangent about adoptions and how i'm for them, but i'll leave that one alone]

and i know cynical people could say, "look he wasn't even really yours" or "you were only with him for a couple months" or "he's not dead"

however: he was mine indeed. it's unnatural to see/be with/hold a baby even close to death. so i'm thankful he didn't die of course, but it's still unpleasant that he experienced any pain and time in the hospital. in those 2+ months with matthew, we bonded. that was the point. it was to save his life. and i'm not complaining.

i get mad and frustrated when other people [americans or non robins nest jamaicans] like him or say things like "i want that baby" because i'm like "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM! YOU weren't at the hospital with him for all that crap, and you didn't ...just...UGH!!!"

and I HATE THAT I THINK THAT WAY! it is so prideful and rude and selfish of me! my insides are so UGLY. [plus, of course people would say those things. he's so adorable!]

of course i'm so so glad for him that he's being adopted. he's actually supposed to go to the couple [jamaicans] by the end of april...

but if they weren't supposed to be taking him already, i would do whatever it took to adopt him. of course all along i felt the most strong about that whenever it was late at night or when i was super exhausted and in love with this child...

how am i supposed to tear my heart away from him?

my eyes are burning again.

i'm feeling sick with tiredness and you've-been-on-the-computer-too-log-ness. [i was looking at photos from jamaica that a team from south dakota posted]

all i can muster up are two fat salty tears...my heart feels like a rock.









despite all of this, i love my life, where i am, where i'm going...

but...my baby. does anyone understand?

"just get over it"...ehh doesn't really work. sorry if that pisses anyone off.

and i said shit earlier. really, "crap" would've sounded better in its place but i really wanted to try to make it more harsh...ehh...i don't REALLY like bad words so i'll go fix it...

...as i began to cry with my head in my hands with tears burning my eyes before i started typing this, i was listening to "true love" by phil wickham [from his record 'cannons']. and that's ultimately what matters. it's just crazy. it offers a small bit of perspective...it's beauty and peace..."come close, listen to the story of a love more faithful than the morning...when blood and water hit the ground...search your heart you know you can't deny it. lose your life just so you can find it. the Father gave his only Son just so he could save us. the earth was shaking in the dark..."

the video of that song and the pictures of matthew that i was crying over are all on myspace. it's the last stuff i wanted to see before trying to go to sleep.

my hands are cold...

the oreos are calling my name from the pantry.
but i know my body really doesn't want that...

joseph and riley are going to wake up from their naps annnny minute now.
it's so great taking care of them a few times a week.
[pictures...maybe videos coming soon]

haven't been biting my nails, so typing feels weird...

it's cold and windy here. i miss jamaica. i've been told some people who were just there took a picture of baby matthew for me. i'm looking forward to seeing it...

my sisters and i are going to try to sell some of our clothes this summer.

madeline's birthday yesterday was fun...angela and i surprised her at school [thanks to her friend brittany for getting her out long enough for us to decorate!] and spent some time walking around campus and hanging out in her apartment eating delicious snacks [uhh...cake, cupcakes, water, muddy buddies aka puppy chow you know what i mean?, german black licorice candies...] and watching jamaican music videos on youtube [so fabulous]...and we drove home in time to see the american idol results show.

i haven't cooked much lately. miss that. but mom's been cooking amazing meals, so that's why and i can't and wont complain!

I STILL HAVEN'T VISITED HUME YET! grr...

the only friends i've seen since returning from jamaica, not including relatives, are travis oberg, david kalani matsumura, and jenny middlewithane hugo. and that was for only a tiny amount of time on a sunday morning at church in santa cruz. it was so nice, but i want timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmme with friends. man. you know?

so many people i know are all of a sudden married or are getting married. wow! that's just crazy. i didn't realize i was THAT out of the loop when i was in jamaica. it's great though.

oh. here is something like what i posted on myspace recently, and i didn't get around to putting it here:
"no sleep, no matthew" posted at nine minutes to one am on whatever day that was...
i've been finding myself unable to sleep through the night for the past two weeks. it is so weird. if i stay up past 9 or 930, which has become always, i have trouble.

last night, i think it's because i drank yerba mate and two cups of coffee after 4 or 5pm. some nights, i think it's because i have too many blankets. [before jamaica, i'd just use my down comforter, and in jamaica, i had a sheet and a small quilt. now i have a sheet, two blankets and a comfoter, but it's not my down one that i like so much because it's packed in my old room.]

most nights, and i'm sure what's the real reason for this ridiculousness, i know it's because there's no matthew in my arm/on my tummy/next to me.



i'm not so sad about it any more [though i miss him. sometimes a LOT]...but i din't think i'd still be noticing so much that he's not with me...it's been a while since i left, you know?

i'm sure everyone's [well the few people who read this] sick of hearing the same old-same old...i don't really talk about much else...

tomorrow [well...today since it's past midnight. but i don't call it "today" until the sun is up] my sister madeline turns 20. now that's just crazy to me...

good night. i already brushed my teeth. all i have to do is climb into bed. geez.
-end-

well. i hear joseph playing upstairs. better go get him.
and no i wont eat the oreos. nonono

SAVED HIS LIFE.

wow!
i got an email from michelle robinette today...she was responding to one i wrote a few days ago, asking if matthew's gained weight...
she told me that he's gained four pounds since i left! [so he's up to 15lbs at 4months old] and she said "HE LOOKS GGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

and...this is the best part...
she said, "you saved his life for real"

that means SO much to me.
helps me have peace.
i still miss him like crazy...

but her telling me that affirms what i wouldn't believe before...that i was really used to save this baby's life. God could have used anybody, and would've used someone else if i wasn't there...but i do know that if i wasn't spending HOURS day after day at the hospital, he would have died. and even once he came home, if he didn't get 'round the clock nurturing/skin on skin treatment/someone learning him so well to be able to meet ALL his needs immediately...he was still at high risk of dying. and i got to save his life.
it took giving him mine while i could.
and i would do it again. every day. all the time...i don't care what it took out of me because there's nothing better than giving everything you have to save someone else. ahh i miss him so much. i wish i had new pictures of him. i want to see him so bad. now, i need to go to sleep. i haven't been able to sleep lately. but that's kind of normal haha...

well.
good night.
and i'm glad american idol turned out how it did tonight. KLC did really well yesterday, but i'm glad my favorites weren't in the bottom three and i'm glad syesha didn't go home. but i'm not voting or anything. anyways. yeah.

this looks like the emails i'd write to my cousins when they were living in bolivia when i was in elementary school/junior high...saying goodbye over and over again.

yeah.